Monthly Archives: January 2016

Jan 30, 2016

My first entry in a journal/blog of any kind.  I am 34 yrs old.  Clara, my sweet angel, I buried you today.  You died Monday, January 25 2016, one day before your sixth birthday. The whole thing happened right before my eyes.  I do not wish to write about the details because they haunt me.  Etched in my mind like some horror movie I never should have been allowed to see as a kid.  I hate horror movies.  These visions, my demons as I will refer to them, turn my stomach, send my heart racing and prompt me to scream into the closest pillow I can find.  I’ve shed enough tears this week for one lifetime and I feel I have a lifetime more to come. NO day, from now, until I see you again will be the same.  They can’t ever be better, so they must be worse, and for that, I am miserable.  

 The service today was beautiful.  I know you where watching over us from Gods arms and already know that.  It was a sight to see, such a tremendous turn out.  You, my love, had a gift.  You made an impression on everyone that ever met you.  You were just so full of life, full of joy, innocent, loving, accepting…perfect.  Didn’t Mommy and Sissy do an awesome job speaking at the service!  I know you were smiling the whole time.  I hoped you enjoyed mine as well.  I’m going to post it on another page so I don’t forget exactly what I said: My Testimony  . I wonder what it would have been like had someone else been in that casket today.  Would you have sat still during the service?  Would you have been brave enough to approach the open casket?  I think so…you always had a morbid fascination with death (for a kid).  I don’t mean that in a bad way, just that you were always curious and much braver than I ever was.  But…  It was you in there. You, one of the greatest loves of my life.  My source of joy in a world that I don’t even like very much.  I thought you looked beautiful, but it wasn’t “you”.  Lifeless and cold, this was but a shell.  It was obvious your spirit had moved on.  It was still necessary for the hundreds that came to see you and say good-bye.  Mommy picked out a great outfit accompanied with all of your favorite accessories.  My favorite things were seeing the smiley face you drew on your hand earlier that day was left in place, and your nails, you mommy had so much fun painting them the night before, where still perfect.

The grave site was harder for me.  I guess that was because it was the last time I was going to be able to see your casket.  Maybe it was the realization that I was standing in a graveyard.  I took some comfort knowing I slipped one half of your my little pony BFF charm necklace under your hands in the casket and I wear the other half around my neck.  Just another way of keeping the connection, right? It’s just a cheap plastic thing[Memory:  You used to always sucker mommy and I into buying you those surprise bags at Target.  I loved to see you so excited when I said “I suppose you can get one“.  You used to ask me to open the bag but say “Don’t look, Don’t look, Please…let me have it“.  You turn and hide as you pulled the small trinket out of the bag and shout “Rainbow Dash!!!!”  Oh that smile, I loved your smile]. I’m going to get the necklace and other half of the BFF charm tattooed around my neck so I never have to worry about losing it or watching it fade.

I don’t ask “why” anymore.  Just “how”.  How am I going to live in this world everyday without you?  How many days will pass until I see you again?  BTW..I did a rough estimate:  I’m almost 35, if I live to 75, that’s ~14,600 days, which is 14,600 to many.  Still, I have your mom and your sister to look after so I NEED to find a way to fill this void, this emptiness left with your passing.  Your sister will be graduating and off to college soon and I’m afraid that will fuel this depressive state I find myself in.

There is one thing I have found therapeutic.  Writing to you.  I guess I think of it as a long distance relationship, in a messed up sort of way.  I write, have faith that you are listening, and focus on keeping our relationship just a strong as it was when you where here.  We had such a special connection, why does this tragic event have to break it.  I won’t let it.  I’ll constantly look for signs that you are with me, but never doubt that you are not.   I do have a few requests 1) kiss me on the cheek once I fall asleep (I sooo miss those) 2) Hug me when I reeling in pain, and 3) smile in my dreams.  God,  I love your smile.

Until we meet again,