Monthly Archives: February 2016

Feb 27, 2016

Clara,

Hi my love.   Mommy and I went to a Yoga class this week.  We need to find activities that will get us out of the house in the evening.  The class was right in the middle of a major thunderstorm.  As the storm approached, I went out into the front yard and just watched the storm clouds roll in.   Lightning was flashing all around me, but I wasn’t the least bit worried.  It’s hard to care when you have a really bad day.  I know…I know; sorry love.  I’ve always had a strange fascination with thunderstorms. At the old house we had the yellow chase by front window.  I would put the shades up and sit and watch the lightning.   You would often come and sit in my lap.  I don’t know if you liked watching storms as much as I did, or whether you just liked seeing the excitement I got from it.  Either way, I remember you always being right next to me during a storm.  I think I’ll like them even more now.  The rain was coming down so hard I couldn’t see a thing while we were driving.  We had to do the yoga class with soaking wet pants…yuck.  Mommy and I both got a little emotional during and after the class.  Remember when we would do workout videos at home.  Whether it was me or Mommy, you always liked to join in and follow along.  You loved doing whatever we were doing…”my little shadow”as Mommy would say.  Mommy misses her shadow; I see the emptiness in her eyes when she walks around.  We talk about you a lot, that will never change.   I’m sure you are happy to see that mommy and I are much closer now then we’ve ever been.  I don’t think either of us would make it otherwise.

The mornings are getting worse for me.  Specifically, right when I wake up.  What do you do when you feel so at peace while you are sleeping, only to wake up to a nightmare?  Well, I can tell you that the day doesn’t get off to a good start!  The pain still hurts just as much as ever, but reality sets in a little further each day and the depression worsens.  It’s hard to imagine a future free of pain and suffering.  I gave a large part of my future to you, and I don’t want to replace it with anything else.  I pray for strength to make it through each day, comfort for my pain and peace in knowing where you are.  And when I do, I feel better.  But…There is still reality…prayer will not bring you back.  It will not put you back in your bed at night where mommy and I can cover you up and kiss your forehead.  Those days are gone.  Everyday will carry the potential for that pain to show up and drop us to our knees.  This still happens to me at least twice a day, at different times, for different reasons. Thursday afternoon, a random snow squall popped up.  Dumb snow.   I watched from the kitchen window for a while.  I saw a white carnation from one of your arrangements just laying on the deck.  I went outside and picked it up.  I didn’t go back in.  I just sat down in the snow storm and started picking the petals off like you used to do when you were younger.  As I let go of each petal, it would fly off with the snow.  Three or four petals later and the door blew open from a large wind gust.  Stop it Daddy…go inside.   Well, that was the message I received.  I took the flower in with me and pressed it in some wax paper.

I took Mommy to Fractured Prune the other day.  I so wish I had the chance to bring you there.  Their doughnuts are so awesome.  We talked about which one you would like best.  We decided it was between the rainbow sprinkle and mint glaze with chocolate chips.  This is what I’m talking about though.  We’ll always talk about you.  I just pray that you are always listening and realize how much we love you.  How much we’ll ALWAYS love you.

I’m really happy that Sissy is here this weekend.  I always feel better when she is here.  I miss seeing how excited you used to get the night before when I told you I was going to pick her up.  You love her so such.  I miss seeing you girls together…that hurts more than just about anything.  I found a picture you two colored together.  It was in a large my little pony coloring book.  The page has two ponies, one on each side. You colored one side and wrote “From Clara To Sissy”  and she colored the other and wrote “To Clara From Sissy”.  My heart is so broken.  When will it start to heal?  Please pray for us.

One day closer,

Love, Daddy.

 

Advertisements

Feb 24, 2016

Hello my sweet girl,

Today was a very important day for me.  I still can’t help but feel disappointed in what my life has become.  Depressed is an understatement when I think about what is missing in my life now and in the future.  You are such an amazing little girl.  Most parents would say that about there child, and I agree, children are amazing.  They are trusting, compassionate, and truly innocent.  All of them.  As a parent, I felt you could BE anything.  I had so many hopes and dreams of what you had the potential to be.  You were smart, kindhearted, goofy, loving and compassionate.  I miss you in my life.

Today, Mommy left to get her hair cut and I had a little breakdown.  I was looking at pictures, but more importantly, thinking about how awesome I felt in those moments.  There won’t be any more of those moments with you, what I have is all I got.  I am devastated.  I can’t stress that word enough…devastated.  I feel to knees in the living room and cried out your name.  I just want you to answer.  After a few minutes, I started to pray ” Please God help me get through this.  Please let me feel her arms around me.  Please help me remember what that feels like!” After a few seconds, I started to calm down.  I believed that God was listening to me, I believed that God was helping me, I believe that you were there to comfort me.  Now, I’m sure I could rationalize all of this by saying it was a random wave of emotion/grief that hit me and passed, but that is NOT what I BELIEVE.  Why should I have to see it?  Be more like a child.   Trust.  Have faith.  Believe.  Here comes the important part…  I’ve been reading the Gospel of Mark.  Hours after this breakdown, I came across Mark 11:24 : “Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours.”

I am truly amazed at what happened to me today.  There is no other way to describe it.

I started thinking about my faith in general.  How prayer has always seemed to bring me peace whenever I have asked for it ( I thank everyone that has been praying for us…God bless them all).  There has been a definite change in me.  When you woke in heaven, I turned to God because I NEEDED to be with you again.  I knew you were there, I can’t explain how or why…I just knew.  Well, I guess I don’t know for sure, but I believe it to be true.  That is really the same thing when you really think about it.  I can’t say I believed with the same passion before the accident.  I believed there was a God, but never made him a priority in my life.  I always thought that living a “good” life (whatever that means) was good enough.  My perspective has definitely changed over the last few days and my faith along with it.  Bible verses that read like an encyclopedia  now read like a story I can’t put down.  I keep finding new and exciting ways to think.  One of my favorite “reasons” to believe…God is compassionate, just open your heart, be humble, put the needs of others before your own.  It’s no secret, helping others makes you feel good about yourself.  There is a reason for that.  Again, most people say to us:  “I can’t imagine your pain.” My response should be: “You can’t.  That’s a good thing.  But instead, try to imagine a world where everyone loves Jesus and followed his word, a world where money is not as important and helping others is prioritized over helping yourself.”  What a wonderful world it would be.  That is a path I want to follow.  I think you would gladly come along with me.

I love you so much,

Daddy

 

Feb 22, 2016 My first laugh

Clara,

Hi beautiful.  Mommy and I were talking about how eerie things feel without you.  I feel like a ghost, walking around in a world I do not belong in.  A world where things are all mixed up and don’t make any sense.  I don’t like it here…this world, or this house.  This is not a home anymore, not without you here and sissy away.  Mommy and I are really struggling.  We miss you so much.  Thankfully, it hits us hard at different times so we are there to help each other through. Four weeks have past and the pain is still getting worse each day.  We struggle to remember the feel of your good night hugs and kisses.  We struggle to remember the sound of your voice calling for us.  It’s terrifying to even think about the future.  Right now we just wake up, do something inconsequential, then go to bed.  Sounds pretty awful, right?  Sorry.  You played such a pivotal role in both of our happiness. It is not easily overcome.  Mommy played a video of you singing yesterday.  It made me realize how long it has been since I heard your voice.  I cried, not just because I miss hearing your voice, but because I’m terrified of how distant it will feel a year from now…ten years from now.  All that time without you; the thought makes me nauseous.  I’ll watch it again though.  I love you too much to forget.  If remembering is painful, I’ll just have to increase my pain  tolerance.  I won’t just block it out to feel “normal”.  I’d still do anything for you.

Mommy and I went to Walmart to find a dry erase board to put on the side of the fridge (which usually held all your latest school art).  We are going to use the board to draw you pictures, write you notes, and write positive thoughts for ourselves to repeat.   While we were in there, we passed by two things and I had to stop each time.  First was the candle aisle. Memory: We were picking out Christmas candles for Mommy.  You had to smell every one, how else could you pick the perfect ones?   We sat right in the middle of that aisle for about twenty minutes smelling candles.  We walked away confident that Mommy would love them!  Next, we walked by the light bulb section. Memory:  I was looking for a particular LED bulb and was taking FOREVER.  You were being very patient ( this time 🙂 ) just looking around at the different bulbs when you accidentally knocked over and broke one.  There is always the initial “Clara?!” and what followed was “Sorry Daddy.” with a long face.  “It’s ok, I’ll find someone to clean it up so no one gets hurt.” I said.  I got someone to come over and I told them I accidentally broke the bulb and they told me not to worry about it.  It was a bad parenting example…I shouldn’t have lied.  I was trying to make you feel not afraid, but I could have still done that without lying.

OK, so…I think you’ll like this.  Mommy and I went out for dinner tonight because of the whole “empty house feels awful” feeling.  While we were at dinner Mommy asked to try a bite of my chicken sandwich.  It was a huge sandwich so she leaned over the table to get a bite, but when she leaned back she (we) realized she had put her boob in her salad and had ranch all over.  It was the first time I truly laughed since the accident.  I like to think you where right there giggling with me. I love you.

One day closer,

Daddy

 

Feb 21, 2016 Just two

Hi beautiful,

Mommy and I took Nana to the airport yesterday.  It was hard to say good bye.  Her presence here has been a big help for Mommy and I.  This was her first trip to our new house.  It makes me sad that she didn’t get you see you run around this place ( outside of Skype…I’m so thankful for Skype ).  When I think about it, you really loved it here.  That will weigh on whatever decision Mommy and I make with regards to staying in this house.

After we dropped off Nana, we went to breakfast.  “Just two?” The hostess asked.  What a gut shot.  Life can be very cruel.  We sat down and just looked at each other.  Our eyes tell the whole story, nothing needs to be said…we just nod, fight back tears and look down at the menus. It was a another terrible first.  To add to the list, we went shopping, with only Sissy to spoil this time.  We got her a new bed set and some curtains too make her room a little more pretty.  As I walked around, I left my right hand straight down by my side.  I’m not sure if I was hoping I would remember the feel of those little fingers grabbing on, or imagining you walking by my side to help me.

When we got home Mommy went upstairs to take a nap.  It’s so quiet in the house, so terribly quiet.  I used to love that.  Now it is just another painful reminder.  The grief tends to overwhelm me in times like this.  I always feel better if I just let it out and cry uncontrollably.  There is no point trying to hold it back.  I started to think about how many tears I have shed in the last three weeks.  Thousands? Hundreds of thousands?  If I live long enough, it might be possible to shed a million tears for you. It’s not goal I plan on setting for myself.  I also thought about whether me crying so much is upsetting to you.  I think you want me to be happy, but I also know,  you know how much I love you and that tears will continue to fall no matter what.  That’s not something I’m concerned about either.  After all, it is not weakness.  “Jesus wept.” (John 11:25)

It was a pretty warm out so mommy and I went out in the yard to straighten some things up.  And pickup Mil-Mil’s poop…my favorite thing to do.  Your basketball hoop broke at some point. I don’t really want to get rid of it though. Memory: It was cool, drizzly afternoon.  We just got back to the house from the bus stop and I asked “Want to play some basketball?”  “Yeah.” You said.  I had just bought you a smaller ball so you could shoot a little higher.  I yelled out:  “And she shoots!…SHE SCORES!”.  You giggled and said, “Daddy, can you say and she shoots every time?” I laugh and say “Sure thing baby.”  We played outside until Mommy got home.  Your little hands were all red.  I saw your friends jumping on the trampoline.  It’s pretty hard too see stuff like that.  You should be out enjoying life and I should be watching you with a smile on my face.  Mommy and I were going to buy you a trampoline this year.  Well, she was going to talk me into it sooner or later.  We picked up sticks that fell with the storm and talked about how you would be asking us to sword fight with them.  Now I just bash them against the tree to vent some of my anger and frustration that comes along with the grief.  It was a semi-productive day, but the evening was awful.  First night…just the two of us.  Depressing?  That doesn’t even do it justice.  We decided that we need to find activities to occupy our evenings.  We won’t make it just sitting here.  Happiness doesn’t just come to us anymore without you here ( and sissy not visiting).  We are going to have to try and find it.

When I woke up this morning, I was thinking about how the storm door broke at the old house and when I was going to fix it when another one of those cute memories popped in my head.  Memory:  You used to always use your finger to draw on the inside of the glass when it was cold out.  Between that and Miller’s nose, it was always filthy.  You were begging to help out when we were cleaning up the house for the last time so I gave you some towels and a bottle of window cleaner.  You must have cleaned everything in reaching distance with that stuff.  I think you went through half the bottle of cleaner.  You always wanted to help us do “big girl” chores.  I’m so lucky to have a beautiful girl so willing to help.

Memaw and Pepaw came over after church.  It was nice to visit with them for awhile.  It’s always nice to have company.  Speaking of church, it is still very difficult to handle.  The families, the singing.  I ended up burying my face in my bible and reading the whole time.  I even read during the songs.  Just when I thought it was a bad idea to come,  I came across the below passage and it really hit home.

Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.

Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that the family of believers throughout the world is undergoing the same kind of sufferings.

10 And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast. 11 To him be the power for ever and ever. Amen. (1 Peter 5:6-11)

 

I love you sweetie,

Daddy

Feb 19, 2016 Clara, I miss you.

Hello my love,

The days are getting tougher and tougher.  I’ve noticed that when I dream about you I start the day better.  I wish I could dream about you every night but I haven’t been lately.  I don’t know why.   Maybe I’ve been drinking to much “AL-CO-HOL” as you would say.  I remember you learning about things that were bad at school and alcohol was one of them, and “stinky” cigars were another.  You still have way with making me smile, even in these dire moments.

Nana got her “first and last” tattoo Wednesday. Your name is right on her arm now.   I think it is a beautiful tribute.   Mommy and Sissy feel left out of the tattoo club, but I think they are going to join us sooner or later.  Speaking of Sissy, she has been sick.  The doctors said it was a sinus infection, but she really isn’t feeling well.  Please watch over her and comfort her.  This will be our first weekend with out Sissy being here and Nana is going back to Tennessee tomorrow morning.  Mommy and I will need you more than ever this weekend.  We will be alone and we already dread thinking about it.

We went by the old house this week.  I have so many happy memories there, I was hoping it would be a positive experience…I was wrong.  It was pretty terrible.  Those feelings of regret crept up on me pretty strong.  Why did I move you?   I think I cried the entire time I was there.  I took your favorite swing off the swingset and brought it home with us.  I don’t have anywhere to put it right now so I just hung it from a tree outside.  I think I’m ready to part ways with that house.  I thought I would want to keep it given our history there, but I just don’t think I be able to handle it.  I’ve had similar feelings about this house.  Our last moments were spent together here, but I can’t help but feel overwhelmed.  I miss you so much.  So, so , so, so , so much.  It’s not just the house and things that remind me of you either.  I never really realized how much I enjoyed just talking to you.  We talked all the time.  I didn’t think about that until recently.  I know you and Mommy always had a special relationship.  She was definitely your best friend in the whole world, but I’m starting to think I was right there too.  I miss talking to you.  I miss talking to you so much.  You were so smart, it was never like talking to a six year old.  I feel like I could have told you anything and we could have had a real conversation about it.  So.. I lost my friend, my daughter, my future right in front of my eyes and I do not know how to move on.  Moving forward is easy…you just wake up and go to sleep everyday.  Moving on is something much different.  That is where I’m having such a difficult time.  I miss seeing your smiling face in the morning.  I miss making you breakfast on the weekends.  I miss walking you home from the bus.  I miss asking you about your day at school.  I miss getting you an afternoon snack.  I miss going though your backback everyday.  I miss having you in the backseat of my car.  I miss you helping me cook dinner.  I miss snuggling on the couch.  I miss reading to you in bed ( even though that was usually part of Mommy’s routine.)  I miss carrying you back to bed when you woke up during the night to use the bathroom.  I miss laying you back down in bed, covering you up and kissing you on the head.  It hurts so bad.  SO BAD!  I just want to scream!!!!!!!!  I don’t know how to make it stop hurting.  I’m afraid it never will.  I’m afraid if it does stop than that means I’ve forgotten.  I don’t want to forget anything. I’m so scared I’ll forget.

Please help us get though this weekend.  We’ll need you more than ever.  If children in heaven can pray, please find as many as you can and pray for us.  Our pain has reached a threshold…the limit.  Please show us how to be happy again.  I never doubted your ability to do anything, I don’t doubt you can show us how to be happy again.

I’ll love you forever,

Daddy

Feb 16, 2016 You are my sunshine

Clara,

I’m not sure if you carry memories from when you were a baby.  If you do, you’ll remember that you were very colicky and Mommy and Daddy would have to rock, bounce and sing to you all the time.  I used to always sing “You are my sunshine, my only sunshine.  You make me happy when skies are grey.  You never know, dear, how much I love you.  Please don’t take my sunshine away.”  On more than one occasion, I had tears run down my cheek because I thought about what it would be like if I lost you.  Now, I know what it feels like.  Faith, prayer and support help very much, but living life without you around is… well…unexplainable.  No one should ever feel like this.  I feel….defeated.  Yes, defeated is an accurate description.  Life hit me with its best shot and I fell hard.  I feel like a failure…it’s a fight I don’t think I can win anymore.  Maybe I should just stay down?  I know I should get up; I have good reason(s) to get up.  But there is just SO much pain.

So many people have said to us “I can’t imagine… .” It’s OK, there really aren’t any comforting words.  A hug and a “I’m hear for you” is about as good as it gets.  Honestly, I don’t want them to imagine.  I’m living it and I struggle to explain it.  I tried earlier and this is all I came up with:  It’s like I was living on this majestic mountain top.  Every day I wake up to this amazing sunrise.  The sky is painted with beautiful colors.  A cool mountain breeze blows across my face.  The sunlight warms my whole body.  I can close my eyes and just smile.  Wow…what a joyous moment.  Now…Imagine I wake up the next day in a cave with a flashlight in one hand and a picture of that sunrise in the other. It’s cold, dark and it seems like there is no way out.  But…I’m still alive.  I have a picture to remind me of that beautiful sunrise and a light I could shine on my face.  I should be OK, right?  I don’t know.  The picture is beautiful, but experiencing it was breathtaking.  I can’t feel the picture.  How did I even get here?  I’ll never get back to where I was.  Should I just lay here looking at the picture until my light runs out…the end.  Or do I use the light to search for a way out of this darkness?  It won’t be easy.  I’ll most likely fall down and get hurt along the way.  I’ll probably make a few wrong turns and end up right back where I started.  But maybe, just maybe, I’ll find the sun again.   Maybe I’ll find a beautiful spot to watch the sunrise again.  Maybe I’ll feel joy again.  IF…that happens, I’ll keep the picture because that sunrise was one of a kind…so beautiful…I’ll do everything I can to remember.  I’ll keep the flashlight forever too because it helped me get through tough times.  Anyways…that’s probably a pretty weak portrayal, but its just what came to mind today.  A friend recently read me a verse.  It’s a fairly common verse, but he emphasized the word “through”.  We’re not meant to stay/live here…we can get through; “Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.” (Psalm 23:4)

 

 

Feb 15, 2016 Can we go to a restaurant?

Clara,

I was trying avoid Panera Bread all together, but somehow I got the courage to go inside.  “Panera Breads” as you called it when you were a little bit younger.  I don’t have any bad memories there, quite the opposite really.  I have so many good memories of you in that restaurant.  I did quite a bit of studying there last year and Mommy would usually bring you by to say hi.  After two hours with my head in the books, a hug from you could erase all that tension within seconds.  That is the stuff I’m going to miss most.  I think Mommy, Sissy and I  are all going to hug a little bit more, hold on a little bit longer and squeeze a little bit tighter.

Although I had to fight back tears inside the restaurant, and lost it as soon as I got in the car, it was worth it.   It also made me think about ALL of our trips out to eat.  If I had a dollar every time I heard “Can we go to a restaurant?” I’d be able to build one.  It also gave me this crazy idea for my letter.  I think you’ll like it.

Chick-fil-a:  Your all time favorite.  We last ate together at the one in Eldersburg.  It was four days before the accident.  We sat next to each other in the booth right by the front door.  You got a six count nugget kids meal with a Hi C to drink.  Standard two chick-fil-a sauces on the side for dipping.  You didn’t trade in your book for an ice cream.  I can’t remember if I said no, or if you didn’t want it because it was freezing out.  I probably said no.  I let you play in the play area for about ten minutes before I came in and got you.  I grabbed a hand wipe and two mints from the bowl on the way out.  One of the mint wrappers was still in my car.  I put it in your room next to the green car I should have got you from CVS that night.  I hope they never go out of business.  I will ALWAYS think of you when I see that sign.

Panera Bread:  We last ate together at the one in Eldersburg.  We sat right by the front door.  You had chicken noodle soup, bread and a yogurt tube.  I was so excited that you liked the soup, I was always looking for healthy alternatives that you enjoyed eating.  You asked for the fancy tea to drink, I just settled for a cup of water.  You scowled after one sip of the tea.  So…I chugged the tea and took the cup back up to the fountain to get you some lemonade.  Your “go to” was usually the grilled cheese when we went to the ones in Abingdon and Bel Air .  I’m pretty sure this was also the first place I asked you to use the women’s restroom on your own too.  After some convincing, you agreed and went in alone.  It was a proud moment for both of us.  Men’s restrooms are just gross.

 (After I wrote this I sat and prayed for the families of those two fallen police officers.  They are going to need comfort and strength just as much as I do)

Arbys:  We ate here one week before the accident.  We sat in the sun because it was a freezing outside and I wanted to warm up.  You ordered a ham and cheddar with curly fries and a juice box.  I remember getting a lemonade to drink for myself since I knew you were going to have that juice box finished in five seconds and ask for something else to drink 🙂 .  The best part of this trip was the toy.  It was a mad lib.  We did two in the store and laughed together after I read them out loud.  I wish we would have stayed right there and done all of them.  I can’t find the one we did together, but I went back got a new one to put in your room.  Maybe I’ll fill it in one day.

Five Guys:  This one is quite memorable.  Mommy was out to lunch with a friend so I was going to “treat” you.  We both caught the “stomach flu” at the same time that night.     Mommy laid next to you with a bucket the whole night.  You kept telling her, I threw up seven times last night.  I was going through the same thing so I knew how awful you felt.  We made a promise to each other to never go there again.  I think I can keep that promise. Sorry Guys

Subway:  We sat at a high top table.  You got a turkey on white with tomatoes, lettuce and mayo.  I’m pretty sure you got cool ranch Doritos.  I got a meatball sandwich, which was something I didn’t usually get.

Jimmy Johns:  This was a favorite back at our old house.  Turkey Tom…your favorite.  It was even what we called homemade turkey sandwiches with tomatoes and lettuce.  We where so excited when they started building one here.  I think I’ll order the same thing every time I go there now.

Wendys:   We last ate together here before Thanksgiving.  You got a kids cheeseburger and a small chocolate frosty.  I wish I remembered more about this night, but we had just come from the Walmart across the parking lot.

Salernos:  You, me and Mommy ate there a few weeks ago.  We ordered a bunch of appetizers.  Mussels, onion rings, wings, hush puppies.  I remember you kept switching sides in the booth.  Mommy’s side, Daddy’s side…back and forth.  You did this just about every time we went out.

Chipotle:  You, me and Sissy ate here the day after Christmas.  Sissy got a burrito bowl and you a cheese quesadilla with black beans and rice..and a side of sour cream of course.  You didn’t eat the black beans because you thought they were too spicy.  We sat at the high top tables just off to the left of the store.

Pizza Hut:  We got a voucher from school for a free kids personal pizza.  You got it for reading a lot of books.   Mommy and I got a pizza to share and you got a personal cheese pizza.  We sat by the window and ending up seeing Santa and a bunch of floats getting ready for a Christmas parade.

McDonalds:  We ate here while we were helping Uncle Lee and Aunt Bethany move.  Me, you and Mommy ate in the car. You got a cheeseburger because I remember taking the pickles and onions off for you

Glory Days Grill:  Me, you and Mommy ate here a while back.  They had a kids show on the TV right above us and Mommy gave you her headphones to listen to it.  You sat with Mommy, right across from me.  I remember just watching your face and thinking…you’re so beautiful.

Baugher’s restaurant: Emma came over to visit Sissy and we stopped on the way to grab something to eat.  It was an older restaurant with a farmers market attached to it.  You, Sissy and Emma all got burgers.  Just Dad and a bunch of girls…

Bolens Pit Beef:  We stopped here for breakfast one time.  We shared a Bacon, Egg and Cheese sandwich.  I remember you saying  “Daddy, This bacon is delicious!”

There are so many more.  I wish I could remember every experience, but I recall most of these vividly.  I hope I never forget one single detail.  I still hurts so badly to remember, but I know it will hurt worse if I allow myself to forget.

Also , I listened to this song a few times while I was writing today.  I could listen to it over and over and over, but I can’t keep it together when I hear it:  Eva Cassidy – Songbird.  If you can find anyone in heaven, please find her and tell her it’s beautiful.

I miss you so much,

Daddy