Hi my love. Mommy and I went to a Yoga class this week. We need to find activities that will get us out of the house in the evening. The class was right in the middle of a major thunderstorm. As the storm approached, I went out into the front yard and just watched the storm clouds roll in. Lightning was flashing all around me, but I wasn’t the least bit worried. It’s hard to care when you have a really bad day. I know…I know; sorry love. I’ve always had a strange fascination with thunderstorms. At the old house we had the yellow chase by front window. I would put the shades up and sit and watch the lightning. You would often come and sit in my lap. I don’t know if you liked watching storms as much as I did, or whether you just liked seeing the excitement I got from it. Either way, I remember you always being right next to me during a storm. I think I’ll like them even more now. The rain was coming down so hard I couldn’t see a thing while we were driving. We had to do the yoga class with soaking wet pants…yuck. Mommy and I both got a little emotional during and after the class. Remember when we would do workout videos at home. Whether it was me or Mommy, you always liked to join in and follow along. You loved doing whatever we were doing…”my little shadow”as Mommy would say. Mommy misses her shadow; I see the emptiness in her eyes when she walks around. We talk about you a lot, that will never change. I’m sure you are happy to see that mommy and I are much closer now then we’ve ever been. I don’t think either of us would make it otherwise.
The mornings are getting worse for me. Specifically, right when I wake up. What do you do when you feel so at peace while you are sleeping, only to wake up to a nightmare? Well, I can tell you that the day doesn’t get off to a good start! The pain still hurts just as much as ever, but reality sets in a little further each day and the depression worsens. It’s hard to imagine a future free of pain and suffering. I gave a large part of my future to you, and I don’t want to replace it with anything else. I pray for strength to make it through each day, comfort for my pain and peace in knowing where you are. And when I do, I feel better. But…There is still reality…prayer will not bring you back. It will not put you back in your bed at night where mommy and I can cover you up and kiss your forehead. Those days are gone. Everyday will carry the potential for that pain to show up and drop us to our knees. This still happens to me at least twice a day, at different times, for different reasons. Thursday afternoon, a random snow squall popped up. Dumb snow. I watched from the kitchen window for a while. I saw a white carnation from one of your arrangements just laying on the deck. I went outside and picked it up. I didn’t go back in. I just sat down in the snow storm and started picking the petals off like you used to do when you were younger. As I let go of each petal, it would fly off with the snow. Three or four petals later and the door blew open from a large wind gust. Stop it Daddy…go inside. Well, that was the message I received. I took the flower in with me and pressed it in some wax paper.
I took Mommy to Fractured Prune the other day. I so wish I had the chance to bring you there. Their doughnuts are so awesome. We talked about which one you would like best. We decided it was between the rainbow sprinkle and mint glaze with chocolate chips. This is what I’m talking about though. We’ll always talk about you. I just pray that you are always listening and realize how much we love you. How much we’ll ALWAYS love you.
I’m really happy that Sissy is here this weekend. I always feel better when she is here. I miss seeing how excited you used to get the night before when I told you I was going to pick her up. You love her so such. I miss seeing you girls together…that hurts more than just about anything. I found a picture you two colored together. It was in a large my little pony coloring book. The page has two ponies, one on each side. You colored one side and wrote “From Clara To Sissy” and she colored the other and wrote “To Clara From Sissy”. My heart is so broken. When will it start to heal? Please pray for us.
One day closer,