Happy Easter my love! I wish I was hiding Easter eggs tonight, or watching mommy put together a pretty basket full of toys and candy. I wish a lot of things….It’s going to be tough without you tomorrow, but how is that any different than any other day. I’m going to try and focus on WHY tomorrow is a time to celebrate and remember that it is THE reason I can still have hope.
Sissy is here, that always makes me feel better. We planted and tree for you today and re-potted a bunch of the flowers we received at your service. I’ve been keeping up with them pretty well. I’ve always felt that gardening/working in the yard was very therapeutic. I don’t really get the same satisfaction that I used to, but I get the feeling I’m going to have to get used to that about a good many things. It doesn’t help that I am exhausted today. Yesterday, I spent all day at our old house. Being there for any amount of time is emotionally draining, but I put in some serious physical work as well. I all replaced the broken storm door, took apart your swing set and brought in home. I can’t part with it, not yet, maybe not ever. The house can go ( hopefully sometime soon ), but the swing set cannot. It’s in pretty bad shape, remember how it would rock back and forth while you swang on it! It’s an old set, I got it from a friend of mine. It’s even had a huge tree limb fall on it. I remember fixing it for you, there was no way I could let you go without that swing. I have so many memories of you on that swing…I need it close to me. I also want to swing on it, so I’m going to restore it piece by piece, keeping what I can from the original set. It’s going to take awhile ( and probably cost more than buying a new set ), but I’m going to be thinking about you the entire time, so it is time well spent.
Sissy and I also got to hang out with Nanny and Papaw last weekend. We all went to lunch together. I’m glad they got to see her (for more than a couple of minutes) and spend some time talking to her. Hanging out with your great-grandparents is not something most teenagers have the privilege of doing, even fewer will actually realize what a privilege it is . I just wish the circumstances were such that we could all be happy together. It had to be uncomfortable for Sissy at times. Nanny and I have a hard time looking at each other and not seeing the pain in each other’s eyes…living and feeling this pain is one thing, seeing someone you love and care about experience the same pain is different kind of hurt. We get both, at the same time, and it is absolutely crushing at times. I pray for her ( and Papaw) every day. I pray for “peace in the the valleys”. No one should have to bury their child and a great-grandchild…see their grandson suffer the same loss…watch their son suffer his son’s suffering. I can barely type/write/or think about it without my gut wrenching…I don’t even know if this will make any sense by the time I am done. Still, they have their faith, through it all, and that gives me hope. I hope you have had the pleasure of meeting my uncle Randy. He was always quite the the character and while I don’t remember much of him, I do always remember having fun while he was around. I hope we’ll all laugh together again, and through Christ, my hope has assurance. That is what I will be celebrating tomorrow. There won’t be pretty baskets filled with candy this year, but there will be lots of singing, and maybe even a smile watching the sun rise on a day where Jesus Christ rose from the dead and made it possible for us to be together again one day. I can’t think of a better reason to smile.
33 “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” ( John 16:33 )
With every exhale, I am one breath closer. I love you, Clara