You’ll be happy to hear that Mil-Mil’s belly issues are getting a lot better. She’s had something awful going on since late November. Remember when I used to get so mad at her for going in the house, and you would give me the saddest look whenever I yelled at her. I was so frustrated and angry-she was ruining the house! Why couldn’t she just bark, or scratch at the door when she had to go! Of course you didn’t see it that way, that was your Mil-Mil and it was just a rug. Remember that time you stepped right in her poop with your bare feet-she had gone right next to the Christmas tree-and you immediately started to freak out. I scooped you up in my arms and carried you to the bathtub. Mommy took care of the dirty work downstairs while I had the pleasure of washing your little toes in the tub(after we had rinsed all the nastiness off). I can still picture it, you sitting on the side of the tub, your arm around neck. I’m so thankful that I have those little moments to hold on to.
Anyways, I’ve been much more sympathetic to Mil-Mil’s issue and I’m really glad it’s finally starting to get better. Maybe the house will start to smell like something other that dog poop 🙂
The house…I wish I knew what to do. I’m afraid that no matter what, I’ll make the wrong decision. Actually, I’m pretty sure that I lose either way. I can’t simply filter out all the painful memories from the happy memories here. Mommy and I went on a walk the other day and I noticed some scratch marks on the stop sign post where your bus stop was. Sure enough, “Clara” was written right on the post. It was a devastating moment for both of us. Will it always feel that way? I just don’t know.
I’ve been working really hard lately to target the thoughts that send me on that downward spiral everyday. I found that there is at least one moment, every day, where I “realize” that you are not with me anymore. That moment takes my breathe away , triggers a wave of negative thoughts and emotions and leaves me in a awful state. How am I supposed to fight that? I pray, but most times my prayers are simply begging for the hurt to stop. Begging God to place his hands on me and say, “ok, that’s enough pain for today Luke“, and you know, sometimes I feel instantly comforted, but most of the time I am left to fight my own demons. Most of the time, I lose. I don’t believe I’m alone, and I guess losing requires some perspective. By losing, I mean: I feel terrible, consumed by grief, overcome with sorrow, etc. But I’m still here, and I haven’t given up.
I know the way I want to feel, but it’s much different than the way I actually feel. I miss you, there is no getting around that, but I want to miss you like I used when I would wait for you to get off the bus. Thinking about your smiling face, hoping there was a big hug waiting for me, eager to hear all about your day. That is how I want to miss you, looking forward, not back. Anxiously waiting, not painfully remembering. This involves a tremendous amount trust. Trust, that we are both in the very capable hands of a good and perfect father. As an imperfect father, one that would give anything, do anything, for you, I have to accept that a perfect one knows how take care of his children. Jesus is no doubt demonstrating his love for you in a way beyond my comprehension, and that is a comforting thing to believe in. He’s got you, I can let go. I don’t need to look back, I have every reason to look forward. C.S Lewis wrote in Mere Christianity: “The only things we can keep are the things we freely give to God.” That doesn’t apply perfectly, after all, you aren’t some thing I can give, but giving is something that I think I need to process/accept in my mind to be able to move forward. After all, isn’t this just a really sad part of a story that has a great ending? And where would I be if I hadn’t accepted the Lord’s invitation? I would have nothing beyond that what this world offers. I would be lost. Instead, I see this world for what it really is, and more importantly…what it isn’t. Again, C.S Lewis nails it: “I believe in Christianity as I believe that the sun has risen: not only because I see it, but because by it I see everything else”
I need to have that “bus stop” mentality…I bet you’ll have some amazing stories to tell me and I can’t wait to hear all about them!
With ALL my love,