Hello my love,
I’ve been getting up pretty early lately. I’ve always been an early riser, but I seem to get up much earlier now. The other day, Mommy woke up when she heard me getting out of bed, looked at the clock and said, “I don’t like seeing 5 anything on the that clock.” As she rolled over to go back to sleep, I smiled and went downstairs. I smiled because I remember how you would get up early, come into our room and stand by the edge of the bed. More often than not, Mommy would say, “ It’s too early Clara…Seven-Zero-Zero, we aren’t getting up until the clock says Seven-Zero-Zero.” If it was really early, one of us would go tuck you back in bed, but we usually let you climb in with us. I miss those moments so much. Especially when we were all awake, but stayed in bed for a while. There was something special about those moments: peaceful, safe, comfortable, free of distractions…just us. We would always have a good laugh after you said, “Mommy! Your breath is kickin!” You and I would giggle while Mommy would reply, “Clara…it IS NOT!” ( We both know it was 🙂 )
I must admit, I’ve been pretty disappointed in myself lately. I can’t shake this feeling that I failed you. I know those thoughts aren’t productive and come from a dark, evil place in my mind. It’s as if they’re determined to bring me down and put all my failures right in front of my face. It would be a lot easier to dismiss them if they didn’t make any sense. In fact, you know what makes my demons so hard to fight? They don’t have to lie to me. They need only show me-remind me-of my failures. What do I do here? Just ignore them? Try to forget? No and No. They won’t dare let me off that easy. I have to do the only thing that I think I can do. Accept them, give them to Jesus, try to learn from them and focus on the things I did right.
I pray for you often-every day actually- not always for the same thing. I don’t even know what I can pray for. I’m sure there are many that would say I don’t need to. That you are with the Lord and don’t need anything. That’s true, I believe that, but I really do enjoy praying for other people and how could I ever exclude you. God knows what you need-I pray that God provides it…and sends my love of course. I pray for others a lot, I think because I wish I was a better at telling people about Jesus. Not because I feel like its my duty, or that I’m somehow obligated to do so, but because I know. If I could only transfer every emotion, every thought, every experience I’ve had over the last four months it would be impossible for them to remain in the dark. Well, maybe not impossible, that might be wishful thinking. It hardly matters anyway. I can’t transfer the pain and suffering, the despair and depression, the nonstop tears, the heart crushing memories, the comfort and consolation, the answered prayers, the feeling of humility that pours down on you when you realize that Jesus Christ is not only real, but is active in your life and working to heal you. Why do I deserve such special attention? I don’t. I hardly did anything right. Yet, He is still there. It’s an indescribable feeling and I wish I was able to transfer it.
I’ve had one verse on my mind a lot this week.
6 do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.7 And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:6-7
What an awesome verse to meditate on. The “…peace of God,…” Yes, it’s real, and No, I don’t understand how it’s possible. I should be a mess. I think about you all day, in everything I see and do. I still cry often -daily- with every unfamiliar picture, each painful memory and all those thoughts of future moments without you. However, Jesus has given me an incomprehensible sense of peace lately. I don’t understand it. I think everything inside of me actually wants to fight it. Will I allow myself to heal? If God gives me the strength to stand, will I just say ” No, thank you. I really don’t want to. I’m too afraid I’ll fall down again.”. Or will I get up and try and walk again? I hope you can help me too. After all, you’re part of my future and I’ll get there a lot faster if I get up.
I miss you Clara.