Monthly Archives: July 2016

Jul 28, 2016 We miss you Clara

Hello my love,

It was so terribly hot this week. It reminded me of out trip to Dutch Wonderland last year.  Reluctantly, I went through my camera roll searching for the date and saw that it was exactly one year ago.  I remember it being SO hot  while we were there, but it was such a great day.  You loved roller coasters-you love anything that goes really fast!  I remember so much of that day…there was the incredibly long line for the log ride, the cheesy spaceship ride, the water park, the super long line to ride the water slide ( it seemed like I was holding the bags for an hour ), the bumper car pile up, the old car ride, a pony ride for a spoiled loved little girl and WAY too much funnel cake to finish off our day.

I can’t help but compare and that’s a dangerous way to think.  It’s so demoralizing to think about “the good-old days” being behind me.  Life seems to have lost its luster and I do not like it.  It has been six agonizingly long months without you and that is all we know right now.  “Time flies when you’re having fun”-the opposite, is indeed, true as well.   Mommy and I still cry just about every day and it has become so very, very evident that you brought an immeasurable amount of joy into our lives.   How could life now ever compare to life then?  Is the bar forever set too high?  Given what we have been through, is it foolish to think we can ever be completely happy again?   Like I said, comparing is dangerous-its a no win scenario- why compare something I can’t have with something I do not want to accept?  I feel like there is a painful lesson on contentment hiding here, but I’m not going to lecture myself in a letter to you.

I also heard, and subsequently struggled this week with the saying “God will never give you more than you can handle” ( loosely taken from 1 Cor 10:13 ).  I’ve was kind of hung up on this one…Initially, I thought: if that is true, I hate, hate, hate myself for being who I am.  If I was weaker, or different, would that have kept things from happening how they did?   Why did I have to be strong enough to get “handle” this?

I don’t like to negatively dwell on any verse, so I thought about it a lot.  I try not to jump right into commentary and research without going through the exercise of figuring out on my own.  It’s amazing how much clearer things get when you remove yourself from the equation.  Daddy IS NOT, and NEVER will be, strong enough to handle this…alone.  It’s not about me, it’s quite the opposite really…we will never, any of us, face anything, and I mean anything in this world that God is not capable of getting us through.  Others have been there, and the LORD has and will always help those who ask for his help.

13 I can do all things through him who strengthens me.  Philippians 4 :13

I think the one thing we struggle with most nowadays:  We just miss you so, so, so , so , so, very much.  There is not really a “cure” for that one.  The separation just puts my heart in a vice and I know- I see- it happening with Mommy too.  I remind myself (and her) that you’re just part of my (our) future, and that I WILL see you again.  Maybe that day will be tomorrow, it’s not up to me.  I’m not afraid of dying anymore, I’m not saying I want to, but there is a wonderful peace in knowing what’s next….who is next.  But…I am afraid..of a good many things.  I’m afraid I need you to be happy…truly happy.  I’m afraid your pictures will always make me cry…you’re too beautiful for that.  I’m afraid the past will always be painful…but I want to remember.  I’m afraid mommy will never recover…and I need her help.  I’m afraid my future here will be too long for me…but too short for others.  I’m afraid I will feel this pain again one day and because of that…I’m afraid I won’t be the same Dad to Sissy, or your new little sibling.

It’s so hard Clara.  I ask for God’s help each day.  I hope you see then plan as he does, or at least better than we do.  These two verses, of the many I read in this difficult week, helped me out a great deal.

18There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love.19We love because he first loved us

1 John 4 18-19

 

27Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid

John 14:27

 

 

Love always

Daddy

P.S  Your cat follows me everywhere… it’s kind of annoying.  🙂

 

 

 

luke phillips katy phillips clara phillips

 

 

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July 13, 2016 Just keep praying

Hello my love,

The other night, I said a small prayer before drifting off to sleep.  I asked God to please let you be close to Mommy and I as we slept.  I didn’t really know what I was asking for, I just miss your presence in my life , and in that moment, I just wanted to believe that you were close to me.  God was gracious enough to answer that small prayer.  I had a wonderful dream where I saw you and Mommy hugging and playing and I woke up in a pretty good mood.  I didn’t ask for a dream and really, I wasn’t expecting one.  But I’ll accept every opportunity to see you I can get and thank the Lord for an answered prayer.

 

The dream sort of got me thinking, I think it showed me another answered prayer.   Or at least, that’s how I interpret it.  I’ve been praying for Mommy a lot lately.  I hate seeing what this has done to her and it’s been really weighing on me.  I try my best to lift her spirits by reminding her of God’s promises.  As I say the same things over and over to her, I find myself in a better place.  I do believe what I’m saying, it’s not some pep talk to get her past a bad depressing moment.  It’s instruction on how to live with this tragedy.  When I focus my love and attention on Jesus and on others, Mommy in this case,  my issues sort of fall out of focus.  I’ve had a good couple of days, and in retrospect,  I think God is using me to comfort Mommy, the very thing I’ve been asking God to do.

I wouldn’t have thought it possible for you to be any more special to me, but I can’t help but smile when I think about your part in my salvation.  Just to be perfectly clear, it’s only by God’s grace that I have been saved,  but you sent me looking.  Most likely with a passion I never would have had otherwise.  I’ve been to church. I learned about Jesus.  Along time ago, I even asked Christ to forgive me of my sins, but you know, I never really needed Jesus before and thus never really got to know Him.  I never felt broken, not just emotionally, but broken over how unworthy of His grace I really am.  Circumstance aside, this is a huge difference in my faith now.  Before, I knew who Jesus was, I knew OF Him.  Now, I KNOW Him.  You’ll never trust someone you know OF with your life as much as you trust someone you KNOW.  My God means everything to me now, I’m so glad I went looking in these dark times.  I’m also glad He is your God, your Father, too.

It’s kind of strange how people ( myself included ) that really have, or think they have everything they need, don’t really need God and don’t really get to know God.  But if you really look , you find that you have nothing that wasn’t given to you and nothing that can’t be taken away.  What you’re left with is a dependence, and in that dependence you’ll find (I found) comfort…peace.  My favorite time of day is in the morning, just after getting ready for the day.  I lock myself in your room, sit down on the floor by your bed and pray.  Sometimes I’ll be in there for 20 minutes.  The world stops, I speak, God Listens.

Some answered prayers are more impactful than others.  Dreams are good, comfort and strength are great, but a new baby brother or sister…well, there are really no words.  On top of that, the timing…The due date is within 3 days of your accident and birthday.  God willing, it seems like we’ll have some joy brought into our lives during an incredibly difficult time.  There’s a lot more that could be said here, but I prayed for this, believed it would happen and hoped it would be according to his will.

13 I write these things to you who believe in the name of the Son of God that you may know that you have eternal life. 14 And this is the confidence that we have toward him, that if we ask anything according to his will he hears us. 15 And if we know that he hears us in whatever we ask, we know that we have the requests that we have asked of him.  1 John 5:13-15

Keep praying for us Clar-Bear…  Our emotions are ALL over the place. We are already scared that lightning will strike twice, but I guess that’s to be expected…I’m still a heart-broken dad.  I’ll keep doing the only thing I can do…I’ll keep praying, keep trusting, keep hoping.

I love and miss you so much,

Daddy

 

 

 

Luke Phillips Katy Phillips Clara Phillips