Hello my love,
The other night, I said a small prayer before drifting off to sleep. I asked God to please let you be close to Mommy and I as we slept. I didn’t really know what I was asking for, I just miss your presence in my life , and in that moment, I just wanted to believe that you were close to me. God was gracious enough to answer that small prayer. I had a wonderful dream where I saw you and Mommy hugging and playing and I woke up in a pretty good mood. I didn’t ask for a dream and really, I wasn’t expecting one. But I’ll accept every opportunity to see you I can get and thank the Lord for an answered prayer.
The dream sort of got me thinking, I think it showed me another answered prayer. Or at least, that’s how I interpret it. I’ve been praying for Mommy a lot lately. I hate seeing what this has done to her and it’s been really weighing on me. I try my best to lift her spirits by reminding her of God’s promises. As I say the same things over and over to her, I find myself in a better place. I do believe what I’m saying, it’s not some pep talk to get her past a bad depressing moment. It’s instruction on how to live with this tragedy. When I focus my love and attention on Jesus and on others, Mommy in this case, my issues sort of fall out of focus. I’ve had a good couple of days, and in retrospect, I think God is using me to comfort Mommy, the very thing I’ve been asking God to do.
I wouldn’t have thought it possible for you to be any more special to me, but I can’t help but smile when I think about your part in my salvation. Just to be perfectly clear, it’s only by God’s grace that I have been saved, but you sent me looking. Most likely with a passion I never would have had otherwise. I’ve been to church. I learned about Jesus. Along time ago, I even asked Christ to forgive me of my sins, but you know, I never really needed Jesus before and thus never really got to know Him. I never felt broken, not just emotionally, but broken over how unworthy of His grace I really am. Circumstance aside, this is a huge difference in my faith now. Before, I knew who Jesus was, I knew OF Him. Now, I KNOW Him. You’ll never trust someone you know OF with your life as much as you trust someone you KNOW. My God means everything to me now, I’m so glad I went looking in these dark times. I’m also glad He is your God, your Father, too.
It’s kind of strange how people ( myself included ) that really have, or think they have everything they need, don’t really need God and don’t really get to know God. But if you really look , you find that you have nothing that wasn’t given to you and nothing that can’t be taken away. What you’re left with is a dependence, and in that dependence you’ll find (I found) comfort…peace. My favorite time of day is in the morning, just after getting ready for the day. I lock myself in your room, sit down on the floor by your bed and pray. Sometimes I’ll be in there for 20 minutes. The world stops, I speak, God Listens.
Some answered prayers are more impactful than others. Dreams are good, comfort and strength are great, but a new baby brother or sister…well, there are really no words. On top of that, the timing…The due date is within 3 days of your accident and birthday. God willing, it seems like we’ll have some joy brought into our lives during an incredibly difficult time. There’s a lot more that could be said here, but I prayed for this, believed it would happen and hoped it would be according to his will.
13 I write these things to you who believe in the name of the Son of God that you may know that you have eternal life. 14 And this is the confidence that we have toward him, that if we ask anything according to his will he hears us. 15 And if we know that he hears us in whatever we ask, we know that we have the requests that we have asked of him. 1 John 5:13-15
Keep praying for us Clar-Bear… Our emotions are ALL over the place. We are already scared that lightning will strike twice, but I guess that’s to be expected…I’m still a heart-broken dad. I’ll keep doing the only thing I can do…I’ll keep praying, keep trusting, keep hoping.
I love and miss you so much,