Jul 28, 2016 We miss you Clara

Hello my love,

It was so terribly hot this week. It reminded me of out trip to Dutch Wonderland last year.  Reluctantly, I went through my camera roll searching for the date and saw that it was exactly one year ago.  I remember it being SO hot  while we were there, but it was such a great day.  You loved roller coasters-you love anything that goes really fast!  I remember so much of that day…there was the incredibly long line for the log ride, the cheesy spaceship ride, the water park, the super long line to ride the water slide ( it seemed like I was holding the bags for an hour ), the bumper car pile up, the old car ride, a pony ride for a spoiled loved little girl and WAY too much funnel cake to finish off our day.

I can’t help but compare and that’s a dangerous way to think.  It’s so demoralizing to think about “the good-old days” being behind me.  Life seems to have lost its luster and I do not like it.  It has been six agonizingly long months without you and that is all we know right now.  “Time flies when you’re having fun”-the opposite, is indeed, true as well.   Mommy and I still cry just about every day and it has become so very, very evident that you brought an immeasurable amount of joy into our lives.   How could life now ever compare to life then?  Is the bar forever set too high?  Given what we have been through, is it foolish to think we can ever be completely happy again?   Like I said, comparing is dangerous-its a no win scenario- why compare something I can’t have with something I do not want to accept?  I feel like there is a painful lesson on contentment hiding here, but I’m not going to lecture myself in a letter to you.

I also heard, and subsequently struggled this week with the saying “God will never give you more than you can handle” ( loosely taken from 1 Cor 10:13 ).  I’ve was kind of hung up on this one…Initially, I thought: if that is true, I hate, hate, hate myself for being who I am.  If I was weaker, or different, would that have kept things from happening how they did?   Why did I have to be strong enough to get “handle” this?

I don’t like to negatively dwell on any verse, so I thought about it a lot.  I try not to jump right into commentary and research without going through the exercise of figuring out on my own.  It’s amazing how much clearer things get when you remove yourself from the equation.  Daddy IS NOT, and NEVER will be, strong enough to handle this…alone.  It’s not about me, it’s quite the opposite really…we will never, any of us, face anything, and I mean anything in this world that God is not capable of getting us through.  Others have been there, and the LORD has and will always help those who ask for his help.

13 I can do all things through him who strengthens me.  Philippians 4 :13

I think the one thing we struggle with most nowadays:  We just miss you so, so, so , so , so, very much.  There is not really a “cure” for that one.  The separation just puts my heart in a vice and I know- I see- it happening with Mommy too.  I remind myself (and her) that you’re just part of my (our) future, and that I WILL see you again.  Maybe that day will be tomorrow, it’s not up to me.  I’m not afraid of dying anymore, I’m not saying I want to, but there is a wonderful peace in knowing what’s next….who is next.  But…I am afraid..of a good many things.  I’m afraid I need you to be happy…truly happy.  I’m afraid your pictures will always make me cry…you’re too beautiful for that.  I’m afraid the past will always be painful…but I want to remember.  I’m afraid mommy will never recover…and I need her help.  I’m afraid my future here will be too long for me…but too short for others.  I’m afraid I will feel this pain again one day and because of that…I’m afraid I won’t be the same Dad to Sissy, or your new little sibling.

It’s so hard Clara.  I ask for God’s help each day.  I hope you see then plan as he does, or at least better than we do.  These two verses, of the many I read in this difficult week, helped me out a great deal.

18There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love.19We love because he first loved us

1 John 4 18-19

 

27Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid

John 14:27

 

 

Love always

Daddy

P.S  Your cat follows me everywhere… it’s kind of annoying.  🙂

 

 

 

luke phillips katy phillips clara phillips

 

 

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10 thoughts on “Jul 28, 2016 We miss you Clara

  1. Beth D

    There are no words…. You will go on – not the same – never the same again – but you will go on – until HE takes you home. In the meantime HE has blessed you with another child – perhaps to show you that you can love again. You need Katy, I understand, but she needs you more right now. Hold each other tight and get each other through. God put you together for a reason – HE gave you the strength to get each other through. Your fears are totally understandable – I can’t imagine anyone not having them – but there is your answer – you have already begun to be a good dad.

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  2. Donna Lewis

    Luke, I come into your world with every word I read to your precious Clara. To me, it is unthinkable what you are going through, but yet, I feel the pain you and Katy share. I also ask Jesus to give you both strength to get through each day while remembering Clara. Thank you for sharing your thoughts, your feelings, your pain and your hope. Your love for your family and your sweet little one to come, while loving and remembering Clara will help you navigate through life. God bless you and Katy !!

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  3. Leslie Jones

    I have been through the loss of a child, however, I, unfortunately, did not have the opportunity to know my child as you knew Sweet Clara. You will never have to forget your love for her, but God will show you how to share and move forward with that very special love that God has shown you to share. I wish you never had to endure what you are going through, but thank you for helping me with my pain. God give peace in your pain and show you how to move forward with you memories in a smile and not a tear. love you guys very much!

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  4. Elaine

    Praying for you and Katy everyday. Praying God will continue to hold you both. Everything you write to Clara is so uplifting. You are a great dad. I’m am so sorry the two of you are going through this. Pray for your new little one, asking God to give you peace and comfort when the baby comes. Praying Katy can have some joy carrying new life. I am just so sorry. Take care of each other and stay close to the Lord. He will carry you and help you. God bless!

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  5. goldilaks

    Luke, I read this written by Lea Grover, on scarrymommy.com and immediately thought of you… “The thing about grief is, those Kübler-Ross stages? Those classic, comfortable, oft recited stages of grief? They aren’t a ladder you climb from Denial on the bottom to Acceptance on top, where suddenly you’re free from the burden of grief. It’s more like every day of your life you’re dealt a hand from a deck of cards, each one a way to feel. And some of those cards are Bargaining, and some are Denial, and some, more and more as time goes on, are Acceptance.

    Every day you play your hand, and if you’re lucky, you get better at playing the cards you’re dealt. And even if it feels like you suck at this miserable game nobody wants to play, you can’t stop. Grief is your life. Forever. You just get better at playing the game as you go along.”

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  6. C

    I’ve always hard the saying that God doesn’t give you more than you can handle – it has always seemed so incredibly unfair to me. I’ve never been able to understand why such awful things can happen in this world, and then the though of sometimes those awful things happening to good people – it’s just never made sense to me. But hearing your perspective on it…I don’t know…maybe you’re right. Maybe you can’t handle it alone but what a calming and peaceful thought that together, with you and Katy, and your loved ones, and all of your friends and even strangers who are praying for you daily, you can rise above this and to continue to live and to still allow yourself that happiness that I know you deserve. Thank you for sharing that – I’ve truly never thought of it that way but I’m going to tuck that thought away.

    And of course I would think this, but maybe that little cat following you around everywhere is Clara’s way of being close when she knows you’re missing her so much ❤️😻

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      1. Laura

        I have always wanted to smack anyone that says that, especially to those who are grieving. I don’t think God gave you this burden. I think, though, that God walks through it with you.

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