My dearest Clara,
Well, here we are, another holiday weekend down and back to school is in the rear view. I made it through, but it sure left some fresh wounds on an already broken heart. Mommy and I did our best to try and avoid what we’ve realized is unavoidable. I took the first day of school off and Mommy and I went away for the day. It was pretty uneventful, exactly how we wanted it. We had made it through the day, but we hadn’t dealt with the inevitable.
The next day, I got as far as an empty bus stop at the end of our road before the memories, and the devastatingly apparent lack of any new ones, dropped my heart into my stomach. I remember actually trying to will my heart to stop beating, its not something I’m proud to admit, but the pain is truly extraordinary sometimes. I knew I wasn’t going to be able to get myself out of this one, so I opened my sermonAudio app and quickly found a sermon to listen to. I usually have one queued up for my ride to work, and that day, I really needed to hear this one: William Hughes – Come Unto Me .
About 40 minutes later, I was almost at work, Mommy called-she had fallen into the same pit I just managed to climb out of. I was able to talk to her until she had poured out her pain and started to calm down. I don’t know if I said anything helpful, but I had a greater capacity to listen, and speak calmly having listened to most of that sermon. Now, I didn’t make much of it then, but looking back, I can’t help but feel like I received a little help getting through that awful, awful day.
I wish I could say the rest of week went peacefully after that, but I couldn’t seem to hold on to any peace for any longer than a few moments. I think at this point, I’ve graduated from despair-lacking hope- to disappointment and discouragement, which is where I seem to be stuck. Both emotions are definitely unwelcome. I wish there was a magic verse, or prayer that would break the shackles that these two feelings have seemed to place on me, but it really hasn’t been that easy. I miss you in my life, in every part of it, ALL the time. How is that ever going to change? Could enough time pass that I wouldn’t look back and feel disappointed in my life? No, time may help with the pain, but there is no outlasting disappointment. Trust, I feel, is the only way break these chains, but its just not strong enough right now. Maybe I’ll always struggle with it. I hope that isn’t the case, but it would be better to struggle and remain in search of a better faith than to become overconfident and assume I can get through this by my own doing.
“It is not the strength of your faith that saves you, but the strength of Him upon whom you rely! Christ is able to save you if you come to Him—be your faith weak or be it strong.” – C. H Spurgeon
It’s no secret, and those who choose to enter our world of grief know this all too well, but Mommy has had a really tough couple of months. She misses you and living life without you brings her indescribable pain and heartache. It hurts to see the ones you love in so much pain, but at the same time, I know that there is no “quick fix” for something like this. It’s hard. I’m ashamed to admit that sometimes I have to walk away from her tears and cries of despair. My retreat leads me to a very candid conversation with God. It’s here, where I pour my heart out, and here, where God pours in grace. It’s hard to explain, it’s not like some switch gets flipped mid prayer and I’m all better, but compassion begins to take over and I find myself equipped to grieve with her again.
7 Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
1 Corinthians 13:7
Ok, so I wrote that last bit a few days ago and never got around to finishing/publishing it….Sorry Love.
I want to say that, yesterday , I did NOT get disappointing news. Mommy got a 20 week ultrasound and every looks good with your little sister 🙂
Tears burst from both Mommy and I as soon as we heard the news. It was a very overwhelming moment, I hope you were there. I had asked God in my prayers that morning to let you be part of that moment. I don’t know what exactly what I was asking for, but I feel confident in knowing my request was heard and that the God I love is limitless. I do not need to understand anything else.
My tears were not sorrowful, they were a little joyful, but they were mostly tears of thanksgiving, especially when I saw Mommy’s face after the news. We’ve still got four long and incredibly difficult months coming up, please, please, please continue to pray for us.
Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer.