Hello My Love,
I noticed last week that I haven’t been writing in my journal as much. I’m not sure why, I always feel a little bit closer to you when I’m writing. I never really run out of things to write either. But these last few weeks have been different. I’ve been more discouraged, about everything, than I’ve ever been in my life. There was even a time when I thought, “What’s the point of writing?! It’s not like I’ll be able to…”. I’m sorry, that was hard for me to even write, but that last bit truly reflects the conflict within me. The negative thoughts, the doubts, they are not sought out, they are thrown like fiery spears at anything I seem to find comforting.
The grief is not getting any easier either.
Last week, after a tough ride home, I got out of the car and started towards the house. I got a few steps from the car and just stopped. I looked at the wet driveway, the soaked grass, the grey and cloudy skies. I could feel the cool drizzle that was being carried around by the breeze on my face. What a crazy day to play basketball, right? The weather, it was exactly like the day we decided to play basketball in the driveway last fall. It felt as if that memory was playing on some projector and I walked right into it and froze. I drank in every detail of that memory, but it had a bitter taste.
At times, I find my mind flooded with memories and thoughts of you, but my attempts to remember YOU in every perfect detail are becoming more difficult as time passes. I hope for the day when all of these pictures and videos of you will help me remember those details and remind me of all the joy you have brought to my life. Right now, unfortunately, they are far too painful…
I feel as if we are worlds apart. Life with you –the memory of it- feels like a wonderful dream I have been woken up from. I desperately want to return… How long will this last? How long must I suffer memories in place of a loving embrace?
The path of sorrow, and that path alone
Leads to the land where sorrow is unknown:
No traveller ever reached that blessed abode,
Who found not thorns and briers in his road.
I thought about this quote a lot over the last few days. Why is “suffering” necessary? Maybe “necessary” is the wrong way to look at it, maybe “inevitable” is more accurate. CS Lewis puts it this way: “Try to exclude the possibility of suffering which the order of nature and the existence of free wills involve, and you find that you have excluded life itself”
Or, even better, in the words of our gracious Savior: “I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.” (John 16:33 my emphasis added) There is no misunderstanding that. But why this way? Why me? Why you? I don’t know, maybe I never will. Anyways, the “whys” are as unfruitful now as they were eight months ago and they’ll always be that way.
Or, maybe “necessary” is the right way of looking at it? I wonder if I would have ever been able to truly appreciate what was done at the Cross had I never experienced any kind of suffering in my own life. Would something good have ever caused me to seek out the LORD so earnestly? If I lived a pain free life, would I ever be brought to my knees and cry out, “LORD, Please have mercy on me!” Could I have really been saved before I fully understood what it was to NEED saving?
To an extent, I suppose those questions are similar to the “why” questions. This did happen. I am suffering. I’ll continue to suffer. I do understand that I have “been bought with a price”. I am in desperate need of a savior. I have earnestly sought after the LORD for the last eight months and I know this verse to be true: “You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart.” Jeremiah 29:13
And even having said all that, Clare-Bear, I still don’t know how I’m going to get through all this. The grief is just plain overpowering at times. And the holidays are coming up…I don’t even want to think about that, but it is inevitable. I guess I’ll just keep doing what I can. Mommy and I did manage to get a crib together for your sister’s room and our friend got us a pretty lamp for the nursery. I’m surprised we’ve gotten that far. Sissy’s been pretty busy with Theater, SAT’s, ACT’s, school trips…you name it. I hope you get an opportunity to watch over her, I don’t get to see her as much during these busy times.
I found this poem by William Cowper while looking for the above quote. I also found, and read through a short biography. It’s a remarkably sad story, but his suffering came to an end. So will mine.
God moves in a mysterious way
His wonders to perform;
He plants His footsteps in the sea,
And rides upon the storm.
Deep in unfathomable mines
Of never-failing skill
He treasures up His bright designs,
And works His sovereign will.
Ye fearful saints, fresh courage take,
The clouds ye so much dread
Are big with mercy, and shall break
In blessings on your head.
Judge not the Lord by feeble sense,
But trust Him for His grace;
Behind a frowning providence
He hides a smiling face.
His purposes will ripen fast,
Unfolding every hour;
The bud may have a bitter taste,
But sweet will be the flower.
Blind unbelief is sure to err,
And scan his work in vain;
God is His own interpreter,
And He will make it plain.
With all my love,