Hello my love.
It’s been a while since I last wrote. It wasn’t that I didn’t have anything to write about, I was just trying to avoid the pain. It’s been dark, so dark the last few weeks. Winter, cold, snow, holidays…my spirit suffered tremendously. I didn’t want to do anything except sleep. I even thought my faith was failing there for a second.
Psa 42:5 Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me? Hope in God; for I shall again praise him, my salvation
Yes, why? I mean, I know why, I am so down, but why Am I not finding reprieve in the hopes and promises that anchored my spirit a few weeks ago? I don’t really know, but it helped me out just thinking about why God put that verse in there.
I prayed about it. I don’t remember the specific words, but it was something like, “this is too big for me. Nothing seems to help. I’ll wait for you to bring me out of this…”
Well, my love, a light was lit this Thursday and my spirits were truly lifted when I first saw your little sister, Hannah Claire. She looks a lot like you. So beautiful.
My spirits were lifted further Friday when Sissy let me know she had just been offered admission to one of her favorite colleges. I was so overwhelmed, I escaped to the bathroom and let the joyful tears flow. I thought to myself, “How can I be so happy without you?” It wasn’t guilt, or regret I felt. I just thought it was impossible to feel that way again, especially now. I see God’s great mercy in the timing of everything. My spirits boosted just enough to carry me through the next two days.
I try my best to tell myself that tomorrow is just one more day standing between you and I, and it too, shall pass. It won’t be easy, it still hurts so much. I knew it would always hurt, but I’m amazed at just how much it still hurts. I’ll do my best not to dwell and stay focused on taking care of Hannah.
As for the 26th, your birthday, that will be different. I will be sad, I will cry, there’s no avoiding that. But I will find a way to celebrate the great blessing you are to me, remembering your life here and envisioning the day when my eyes open to see the Lord Jesus because I know the very next face I see will be yours. And every single second we were apart just won’t matter anymore. No more tears. No more death. No more suffering.
Right now, Hannah is resting in my arms and I can’t help but look at your picture over the fireplace and feel like that gentle smile is meant just for us in this moment.
For those that read this, I have a request for Clara’s birthday. Could you please tell me something you love, remember or miss about Clara? It doesn’t have to be much. Katy and I would really enjoy reading them. Comment here, facebook or send us an email to email@example.com if you want it to stay private. Thank you all for reading. God bless.
I love you Clara. I miss you so much.