Hello my love,
It was so terribly hot this week. It reminded me of out trip to Dutch Wonderland last year. Reluctantly, I went through my camera roll searching for the date and saw that it was exactly one year ago. I remember it being SO hot while we were there, but it was such a great day. You loved roller coasters-you love anything that goes really fast! I remember so much of that day…there was the incredibly long line for the log ride, the cheesy spaceship ride, the water park, the super long line to ride the water slide ( it seemed like I was holding the bags for an hour ), the bumper car pile up, the old car ride, a pony ride for a
spoiled loved little girl and WAY too much funnel cake to finish off our day.
I can’t help but compare and that’s a dangerous way to think. It’s so demoralizing to think about “the good-old days” being behind me. Life seems to have lost its luster and I do not like it. It has been six agonizingly long months without you and that is all we know right now. “Time flies when you’re having fun”-the opposite, is indeed, true as well. Mommy and I still cry just about every day and it has become so very, very evident that you brought an immeasurable amount of joy into our lives. How could life now ever compare to life then? Is the bar forever set too high? Given what we have been through, is it foolish to think we can ever be completely happy again? Like I said, comparing is dangerous-its a no win scenario- why compare something I can’t have with something I do not want to accept? I feel like there is a painful lesson on contentment hiding here, but I’m not going to lecture myself in a letter to you.
I also heard, and subsequently struggled this week with the saying “God will never give you more than you can handle” ( loosely taken from 1 Cor 10:13 ). I’ve was kind of hung up on this one…Initially, I thought: if that is true, I hate, hate, hate myself for being who I am. If I was weaker, or different, would that have kept things from happening how they did? Why did I have to be strong enough to get “handle” this?
I don’t like to negatively dwell on any verse, so I thought about it a lot. I try not to jump right into commentary and research without going through the exercise of figuring out on my own. It’s amazing how much clearer things get when you remove yourself from the equation. Daddy IS NOT, and NEVER will be, strong enough to handle this…alone. It’s not about me, it’s quite the opposite really…we will never, any of us, face anything, and I mean anything in this world that God is not capable of getting us through. Others have been there, and the LORD has and will always help those who ask for his help.
13 I can do all things through him who strengthens me. Philippians 4 :13
I think the one thing we struggle with most nowadays: We just miss you so, so, so , so , so, very much. There is not really a “cure” for that one. The separation just puts my heart in a vice and I know- I see- it happening with Mommy too. I remind myself (and her) that you’re just part of my (our) future, and that I WILL see you again. Maybe that day will be tomorrow, it’s not up to me. I’m not afraid of dying anymore, I’m not saying I want to, but there is a wonderful peace in knowing what’s next….who is next. But…I am afraid..of a good many things. I’m afraid I need you to be happy…truly happy. I’m afraid your pictures will always make me cry…you’re too beautiful for that. I’m afraid the past will always be painful…but I want to remember. I’m afraid mommy will never recover…and I need her help. I’m afraid my future here will be too long for me…but too short for others. I’m afraid I will feel this pain again one day and because of that…I’m afraid I won’t be the same Dad to Sissy, or your new little sibling.
It’s so hard Clara. I ask for God’s help each day. I hope you see then plan as he does, or at least better than we do. These two verses, of the many I read in this difficult week, helped me out a great deal.
1 John 4 18-19
27Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid
P.S Your cat follows me everywhere… it’s kind of annoying. 🙂
luke phillips katy phillips clara phillips