I had some nice things written down that I was going to share, but yesterday was some kind of awful and I feel compelled to share, or vent. I hope you don’t mind if it turns out to be more of the latter. I suppose there is no rule saying these letters have to be chronological, I can always finish up what I had started later.
The only good thing about yesterday is that it is over. I didn’t start great, Mommy was feeling particularly discouraged. She’s always upset in the mornings, but some days are far worse than others. I’ve learned to accept, and even expect that, but it doesn’t make it any less disheartening. It wears on me, she knows that, but she must grieve as she must.
I made it out the door to work, but left my phone on the couch. That left me alone with my thoughts both to & from work. I’ve yet to turn the radio on when I’m alone in the car. All I can think about is riding around with you, flipping through the music stations, asking: “Keep it, Change it or Turn it up?”
“Keep it! And Turn. It. Up!” you’d say with a lighthearted and playful attitude. You love music. Some of my fondest memories with you involve music…dancing, singing, loving life. How the tides have turned.
Work was uneventful, a decent distraction.
When I got home, I noticed our screened in area of the deck had been overtaken by ladybugs, stinkbugs and a handful of wasps. I got some spray to take out the wasps because we like to leave the door cracked for Bella…She likes sitting outside, often in your chair. I thought you might like this picture…
Anyways…I sprayed the wasps off the screen but Bella caught on and was going to try and pounce on one. Without hesitation I dashed over to grab her before she got a face full of angry wasp. She’s mostly blind, I’m not sure I’ve mentioned that to you yet…go figure, so I don’t even know if she knew what she was about to play with. Well, I got her in time, but managed to crack my foot on something. The chair I guess. Before I could put her down, I was grunting words I really try my best not to use anymore.
I sat on the couch with a bag of frozen cranberries resting on top of foot when this overwhelming sense of disappointment and shame overtook me. My head sunk lower and lower…my eyes began to swell. Why wasn’t I given an opportunity to give my life for yours? I wouldn’t have hesitated. I wouldn’t have hesitated!!! Instead I had to be there, but not… there! I’m not going to write about this again for fear it will drag me to a place I’ll never escape.
Somehow, I managed to pull myself up and out of that. I kind of zoned out the rest of the evening, but when it came time to go to sleep my mind wouldn’t turn off. 11 turned to 12, to 1. By 1:30 or so, I was sitting on the couch in the dark. What to do…I pulled out my phone.
It may as well been a sword.
I wanted to see you. To remember… Picture after picture. Blow after blow I took. I must have went through a hundred of them.
I went to videos after that. I wanted to hear your voice. Every word, every smile dealt another blow. I must have gone through twenty of them.
Why? I knew what I was in for. I couldn’t help it I guess. It had been too long… it HAS been too long…
So, there I lay. Out of breathe, my eyes on fire, my chest bruised, my in stomach twisted in knots. It felt like someone had beaten me to within an inch of my life. I seriously doubted God’s love. I felt abandoned. Alone. Confused.
I drifted off to sleep.
This morning, I sat downstairs, drank my coffee and before I knew it, I was writing this out. Now, I hope I don’t say anything to crazy, I did have a pretty rough night and three and a half hours of sleep doesn’t really make for clear thinking. This is what I wrote…
I can’t help but feel, in some strange way, closer to God this morning. Like I have somehow shared in His pain. I mean that in the most reverent and respectful way. I’m not trying to appear “godly”, nor am I trying to compare myself to God. I know where I stand there, and that is not at all. But, shared, in the sense that I’m more respectful…more aware.
I guess my point is, “…he gave…”
“For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life.” ( John 3:16 )
How many times have I spoken those words with blissful ignorance? Without regard to everything that went with along with the giving. Dare I say them now without reflecting on my own suffering and loss?
Strange how that was the first thing I thought about this morning. Less than four hours ago I was doubting if God even loved me.
I believe Jesus wept with me last night. There was nothing to be done, no comfort that really could have been given in that moment.
I miss you Clara.
Until that day…
Clara Phillips Luke Phillips Katy Phillips